Its not my life

Exams are long over and results are out. I did okay, nothing great, maintained the required percentage. In a short span of time, I shall be a wheel in the Great Indian software factory, coding away till eternity, facing technical challenges et. all. But I am disillusioned about the aim of my life. Yeah I am a computers kinda guy, never made it good while interacting with people in real life, so I sought solace in my PC. I might not be a very social person, then engineering happened to me and whatever people skills I had, had rusted. Yeah I have a job, and everybody tells me how good that it is, but this is not the life I had daydreamed of. I really dont know myself, and what I want to do, never knew my aim, have long forgotten my own dreams. I am not sure that I have a lot of talent in any field, but what I am sure of is that whatever creativity I have shall die out as soon as I get into my profession. This is not my life, and I dont know if it isnt then what really is. I might get the same amount of pleasure coding tough assignments, that I get from traveling, but what I know is that I like to discover, and to create… and challenges. The art of creation has a sanctity and I hold that close to my heart. I thought that I had found shore, but the shore wasnt permanent, and I made the mistake of thinking that I could gloat over it forever. Much of the stuff which I centered my life around, has gone. Nothing’s constant. Everything looks perfect, but then suddenly it shatters and I get disillusioned with life.

Its very late into the night, or maybe very early morning. At home, with parents sleeping in the next room. The distinct sounds of four different clocks ticking away somewhere. I am not comfortable with this silence, and then I cant get myself to sleep either. Havent slept much in past two days, I know my eyes are tired, yet my hyperactive mind wont let my body rest. Music in the background “Aye zindagi gale laga le”, from the movie “Sadma”. The words go like “humko kinara mil gaya hai zindagi”- how ironic, I just lost my ‘kinara’.


~ by sleepwalker on December 15, 2005.

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