The other side of midnight

I havent been blogging since a long time now, I guess its because I cannot express myself properly anymore. I start writing a new post and then after a while I stop, stare blankly at the screen and discard the draft.

Office has become a hopeless charade and I am keeping up the act pretty well on that front. I wake up every morning, and if its a weekday, I silently pray “Oh God, not again”. The entire rigmarole of waiting impatiently for cabs, hanging out of buses and running after trains, starts on Monday and does not abate till Friday evening, when I am securely home.

Everyday I silently argue with my inner self and convince myself that there are far worse evils in the world than my insecurities. And then I carry on, trying to find solace in checking email, glancing at the system clock often, waiting for the dusk, to return back home and sleep, and to continue the same act all over again the next day. Its been a long time since I was proud of my own self, its been long since my self esteem got a boost. Encouragement from friends and family doesnt push me up anymore. I am my own worst critic, I somehow always manage to puncture my ego. Maybe I am expecting too much from myself.

I am now a volunteer for the social arm of the corporate I work for. Our group visits a childrens shelter every weekend, spending time with the children, playing games with them and organising activities. Its a break from my own selfish existence. Its at such times I finally realise that I may not actually be the centre of the universe. I am afraid to think what all those children must have gone through. We shall be taking ice creams for the kids tomorrow, and cant wait to see their expressions when they realise that we actually bought what they had wished for during our last visit.

Sleep, is slowly becoming my best friend. It carries me to another world altogether, where there are no competitive exams to write, no project managers and team leaders and no jostling and pushing for the elusive seats in buses/cabs. I can sleep at any time and at any place now. Snatching a few minutes of bliss at my office desk, or sleeping for two hours at 9 AM after having woken up at 6, is now becoming quite common for me.


~ by sleepwalker on July 26, 2008.

2 Responses to “The other side of midnight”

  1. Just compare this post with ur “Yeh Duniya Mast Kalandar!”..u will realize what you lost

  2. Yup… things have definitely changed over the past 2 years

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