if you were to ever look back at your life, what would you remember?

•May 9, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Would it be the day I decided that there is no such thing as ‘good friends’ or would it be the day I realized that life is a waste shunting between home and office. There have been many such moments which have altered the way I interpret the world around me.

If I look back at my life I see that studies and academics never really excited me. I never felt any sense of achievement studying organic chemistry or applying the right hand thumb rule. Computers did excite me, writing simple programs in C++, making websites in simple HTML was quite interesting when I was in school. However that never could quite make me popular among the girls though. Computers did become quite boring when I started off with with engineering. Somehow I completed the degree with most of the electronics subjects dragging me back. I used to hate Fourier transforms, digital signal processing etc. Such subjects sapped the fun out of learning new stuff.

A big turning point in my academic life was when my project guide fought with me in the fourth year and cancelled my project with just a month left to go for engineering to finish. I somehow worked hard day and night, for the first time ever in my life and completed a new project from scratch, did 6 months worth of work in just 30 days and yet managed to score the second highest grade while at it. That was the time I realized I could achieve whatever I wanted to only if i worked seriously at it. Though sadly there are very few things in life for which I feel motivated to that extent. Most of the stuff in life bores me!

My friends at Hyderabad, learning to dance at shiamak, and the cold war at workplace are the major factors which which have shaped me the way I am now. The last 3-4 years have been the most momentous. Sometimes I used to enjoy a lot, and sometimes I used to get bored to death.

Now it seems there is nothing to look forward to, life has come to a standstill. I am not making any new memories anymore. I dont know whats missing in life, though I am pretty sure something is. I feel this desperate need to express myself, though I am not even aware of what I wanna convey. Nothing excites me anymore. Have I grown very old now?

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Disciplining apartment mates 101

•October 11, 2009 • 2 Comments

11102009I can write a whole lot about disciplining people whom you share your apartment with. I have had one of the most filthiest ever people live with me since the past three years, with whom I have tried varied strategies like the Gandhian philosophy, threats, friendly negotiation, self victimization etc. but sadly I have failed. This is my new strategy now. The notice is currently on an A4 sized sheet but if utee persists with his current habbits, the notice shall get bigger and bigger. From an A4 sheet it shall move to a moderately sized chart paper and then to a bigger chart and then it shall become more and more colourful as time progresses.

Utee is a specimen whose father holds a very high ranking government office, has had servants around him day and night, has never ever had to do any work in his entire lifetime, who’s every whim and fancy was tended to by his parents and servants. Now put such a specimen in an environment where he does not have his entire support structure. I shall attempt to describe the outcome of him living away from his family (and the affect it has on me).

Imagine entering my house and as soon as you step into the drawing room you are overcome with the stench of garbage rotting away in the kitchen. The chairs in the drawing room are completely hidden behind stacks of shirts which utee had washed two weeks ago. Then you enter the kitchen, and apart from being blown over by the huge collection of PET bottles of sprite, thums up and mountain dew (I threw out nearly 400 bottles last month), and the ever growing pile of ketchup sachets and condiment packs which arrive unceremoniously with every pizza delivery (3-5 days a week), you shall have to step carefully around the garbage covering 60% of the floor space in the kitchen (as Pri christened it “mini GHMC”, Greater Hyderabad Municipal Coorporation). God forbid if you have to open the refridgerator, you shall be greeted with the sight of fungus eaten fruit which utee had so proudly brought home 2 months ago and since then forgotten to eat, or throw out. Just a glance at the floor will show you what utee had eaten for dinner 5 days ago as he very thoughfully leaves his dinner cartons (plastic trays with compartments for daal, rice, roti, like a plastic dinner plate) stacked one on top of the other on the kitchen floor. At any point of time 5 to 6 of such cartons are present in the kitchen. I guess utee is just being kind to insects and unicellular beings as the pattern of the degeneration of his leftovers usually is – Day 1: ants take over and explore the food, Day 2: fleas and cockroaches have a jam session, Day 3: fungus starts to grow, Day 4 and beyond: stench becomes unbearable.

Though dinner cartons dont have an easy life, they have to fight for premium space with pizza boxes, which get very neatly stacked one over the other on a regular basis. Of course here utee shows his fondness for simple forms of life as well by generously leaving toppings and pizza corners inside the boxes. I am really surprised why my apartment isnt infested by rats as well, but I guess that day isnt far either. A myriad of empty plastic soft drink bottles fight for space on the kitchen counter, the floor, atop the fridge, in the kitchen shelves, smong pizza boxes and dinner cartons.

I have regularly sat utee down and very politely explained to him that I can no longer be his mom, cleaning up utensils which he throws into the sink all day, cleaning up his mess and wiping/sweeping the entire house at regular intervals. The effect of such a pep talk lasts for exactly 32 hours. A couple of times I have shouted at him as well (effect increased marginally to 35 hours). Tried the Gandhian philosophy for 4 months – making a grand show of sweeping, cleaning up the drawing & kitchen room every sunday, running to the sink and washing up the glasses/plates/spoons/frying pans etc as soon as he uses them (in plain sight of him and his friends), running to the main garbage bin out on the street as soon he finishes eating his pizza. All this didnt work either, I guess he began to think of me as one of his dads faithful servants.

Putting up notices is a brand new idea I envisioned today. Lets see what happens, maybe he shall get humiliated enough when his friends visit, that he might improve his habbits. *fingers crossed*

Asserting Independence

•July 26, 2009 • 1 Comment

A thing which has recently started pinching deep down inside me is the lack of a love life. Nowadays when I go out with friends, I see them giving all their attention to their significant others, and this makes me wish for somebody who would give me attention too, lots of it rather, since I seem to need lots of attention lately but am not able to get it. One of the ways that I try to convince myself that all’s well with my life, is by trying to stay alone, do things alone etc. so that being lonely becomes a part of my life and doesnt feel wierd. I have gone alone for a couple of movies, though it does feel a little stupid, but somehow it does reinforce my belief somewhere that I should get lots of practice of doing everything alone since my friends cannot give me as much attention now as they are mostly busy with the people they are committed to to or busy with people whom they like. I really dont want to burden them with my insecurities especially at this time when they are now growing closer to their potential soulmates, or even burden those friends who are not as lucky and have numbered days left with the person they like, but cannot marry due to social constraints.

I wonder when I would meet a girl with whom I would feel wanted and cared for, somebody whom I would consider the perfect person who can handle a guy like me, all her life and yet not be irritated or frustrated. I wonder if such a person really exists who can handle me, since I cant seem to be able to handle myself.

So the movie to which I went today was ‘Luck’, and as luck would have it the movie was crappy and I didnt even have anybody to joke with during the show as I had chosen to go alone. The movie is totally cliched, those who have watched it would definitely agree that ‘cliched’ is actually the correct word to describe the movie – the overuse of the word ‘luck’ throughout the movie, the army man repeating the phrase ‘koi shaq’ etc. The only saving grace in the movie is Shruti Hasan. The chick cannot act at all, the furniture in my house can give better expressions than she does, however she is definitely hot!

And we come and go as we please

•July 22, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Woah! I am back. I am definitely a very very irregular blogger, I guess I have been very very disillusioned with my online and offline life lately. So now hopefully I am back for good. Lets see how long the blogging redux lasts.

CAT 2009, my new goal, is just round the corner. Well not exactly round the corner considering the weeks/months left but yet, whatever time is left, is very less when compared to the amount of work that needs to be done to be in a comfortable position to give CAT confidentally. Life as I know it for now is pretty slow, yes I do go out with friends a lot, yet there is this saturation all around which weighs heavily on my shoulders. I do need to meet lots of new people, make new friends and develop my personality in general (Hey people in Hyderabad reading this, meet me!!)

Dancing and swimming have been abandoned for a few days as I cannot get up early at all. God knows what has happened to me. I desperately need to pamper myself. Hmmmm….. Lets see…. maybe I shall get a makeover.

My Life – The new season, airing now!

•April 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

And we are back again, broadcasting live about my life. Nothing much has really changed over the past 8 months that I was away from this blog. I have become very very bored with mundane life, my employer has become one of the most famous IT companies in the world with all the scandals rocking it, I still dont have a lady love, there isnt any work at office, my roomie is still as unhelpful as ever in keeping the house clean. In short everything going on around me, the events, the conversations, the scandals; everything bores me a lot.

Yesterday I broke all protocol and called in sick via sms. The best part about this is that I really dont care what my Team Leader or my manager will think about me. As the situation currently stands, I havent done any productive work since the end of January, and no good work seems in sight for the near future. So since the past three months, office to me just means sitting at my desk, attending a couple of meetings and browsing all day long. Sometimes when I get really bored I leave early.

One of the better things to happen in recent days was that somehow I got passes to a fashion show in Hyderabad. Beautiful women walking the ramp in high heels, naked arms, legs and shoulders…… it was fun!

700 on the GMAT – Snaphots from hell

•September 9, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I took my GMAT yesterday and scored 700. I have fallen short of my own expectations, by a long distance. A detailed debrief shall follow soon.

The other side of midnight

•July 26, 2008 • 2 Comments

I havent been blogging since a long time now, I guess its because I cannot express myself properly anymore. I start writing a new post and then after a while I stop, stare blankly at the screen and discard the draft.

Office has become a hopeless charade and I am keeping up the act pretty well on that front. I wake up every morning, and if its a weekday, I silently pray “Oh God, not again”. The entire rigmarole of waiting impatiently for cabs, hanging out of buses and running after trains, starts on Monday and does not abate till Friday evening, when I am securely home.

Everyday I silently argue with my inner self and convince myself that there are far worse evils in the world than my insecurities. And then I carry on, trying to find solace in checking email, glancing at the system clock often, waiting for the dusk, to return back home and sleep, and to continue the same act all over again the next day. Its been a long time since I was proud of my own self, its been long since my self esteem got a boost. Encouragement from friends and family doesnt push me up anymore. I am my own worst critic, I somehow always manage to puncture my ego. Maybe I am expecting too much from myself.

I am now a volunteer for the social arm of the corporate I work for. Our group visits a childrens shelter every weekend, spending time with the children, playing games with them and organising activities. Its a break from my own selfish existence. Its at such times I finally realise that I may not actually be the centre of the universe. I am afraid to think what all those children must have gone through. We shall be taking ice creams for the kids tomorrow, and cant wait to see their expressions when they realise that we actually bought what they had wished for during our last visit.

Sleep, is slowly becoming my best friend. It carries me to another world altogether, where there are no competitive exams to write, no project managers and team leaders and no jostling and pushing for the elusive seats in buses/cabs. I can sleep at any time and at any place now. Snatching a few minutes of bliss at my office desk, or sleeping for two hours at 9 AM after having woken up at 6, is now becoming quite common for me.